Nostalgia

Sometimes, I just wish this all went away. I wish I had never been through this, wish I never met these people, wish I never went to that school. Wishing never gets you anywhere, anyway. The only thing that ever gets you somewhere in life is God, and even he only does it when you've got Faith.

The thing is, do you have faith? I sure have no idea what I have. I've believed in God all my life and I still don't quite think I've grasped all that God is. Of course, has anyone? Has anyone got this 'life' figured out, or what their purpose is on this earth? Have they figured out why they fight with one person, or why they come to a point in their lives that is SO low they see no good way out of it, so they just shoot themselves? Can you honestly ask yourself if you feel you are in the right place you are supposed to be, or do you have to lie even to yourself to get somewhere?

So many things just fill my head these days: peers committing suicide, the crapiest friends, the best friends, new friends, old friends, work, college, life, breathing, GOD! All of it just overwhelms me at times. So why do I think about it? Why do I take the next step and grow up and face responsibility? Why do I make things hard on myself now instead of waiting until later on in life when I may not even be ready then? Why don't I just become a careless teenager? Excuse me, "free-spirited"... Why? Because I've lived the disappointment of life, friends, family, the WORLD. I've lived in a time where all I really did have was God, and even then I didn't see him.

Right now, I'm so disappointed in the world that all I want IS God. I want someone who can't disappoint me or ditch me or replace me. I want someone who will honestly love me for me, with every fault and error that I make. I want someone that is not judgemental, or someone that isn't obsessed with ex-boyfriends; someone who can move on with their lives and not constantly talk about their 'significant' other.' Sad thing is, they were never 'significant' to begin with. More like disappointing.

Opening my eyes at the start of all this would have been the best solution. God always gives you the life lessons after you've been through the heart-ache. I guess that's when you understand the examples the best...

Making my own change,