I just don't understand...

I just don't understand what I keep doing wrong...

I'm sorry isn't enough...

All my life all I try to do for people is make them happy. My therapist says I'm a people pleaser, and there's nothing wrong with it. The problem lies in the people that I try to please. Reciprocation - the act of returning the caring, kind feelings that you are given. Yeah, guess what Sam HARDLY gets? Exactly. It's so hard to just do-do-do for people all the time and only get a few things done for me in return from one or two of my friends. It's such a depressing time, high school. I haven't really found myself smiling because I'm truly happy. It's all a big show to get everyone off my back. & now it seems like no one really would care how I felt. Don't lie, face the facts. I'm tired of this bull crap everyone plays on me.

I have a pretty big love for Christ, and I know that he's testing me with all this. But I'm not failing the test this time.

So I guess I'm here to say I'm sorry to a lot of people..

I'm sorry I'm a baby.
I'm sorry I cared.
I'm sorry I tried to put my everything into being there for you.
I'm sorry I was there for you anytime of the day you needed me.
I'm sorry I made you angry.
I'm sorry I was worried when you didn't talk to me.
I'm sorry I made you cry.
I'm sorry I crushed your ideas.
I'm sorry I wasn't really ever in a good mood.
I'm sorry I tried to talk to you about my feelings.
I'm sorry I made you something you aren't.
I'm sorry I got in the way of your relationships.
I'm sorry I've ruined your life.
I'm sorry I broke my promise.
I'm sorry I believed your promises.
I'm sorry I betrayed you.
I'm sorry I'm rude.
I'm sorry I made you leave our family.
I'm sorry I yell at you.
I'm just sorry for everything.

I'm done saving everyone else from themselves.
I'm done saving me.

I'm done.

Smile

Smile, though your heart is aching.
Smile, even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow;
Smile, and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you.

Light up your face with gladness;
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near;
That's the time you must keep on trying.
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life's still worthwhile
If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying.
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Smile, though your heart is aching.
Smile, even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by.
That's the time you must keep on trying.
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
if you just...
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
if you just smile.

Change

Change is what happens when you need something new.
Change happens when you least expect it sometimes.
Change is all things that are modern.
Change is a new perspective on life.
Change is finding that one person who's there when you couldn't find them before.
Change is smiling.
Change is staying positive.
Change is dealing with the disappointments that make you stronger.
Change is a sunrise, and ultimately, the sunset.
Change is nature's beauty between seasons, and during.
Change is what you feel as you move from high school to college.
Change is finding that one song that reminds you about your life.
Change is becoming and adult.
Change is ultimately growing up, not down.
Change is maturity.
Change is decisiveness.
Change is how you plan to make something happen, not let it happen just on its own.
Change is sometimes unwanted.

I am change.

Autumn

Have you ever just stared out a window for the longest time and thought about nothing in particular? Or maybe you're like me, and have so many things flying through your brain you can't decipher what image goes with what thought, or which way is up or down. I can't get over God's beauty in the fall, with all the leaves changing colors from their regular greens to gorgeous reds, oranges and yellows. It makes me wonder if people normally go through cycles...you know the ones where they're really good, genorous people for a few months, then they get gorgeous and you can't stop looking at them, then they turn cold and barren. I think I've been stuck in this cold and barren state for a few years now, and I finally think the sun's going to come out to warm me up and let me grown some foilage again...but what do you know if a big storm cloud doesn't come to create havoc. My life is getting old right now. I'm tired of helping people through their problems with nothing in return. I'm just tired of everything. Maybe one day it'll all shapen up, but until then, I'll just be here in my spot by the window. Please, don't come in search of me...I'm still trying to find myself.

Keep Holding On

Keep Holding On

You're not alone,
Together we stand.
I'll be by your side,
I'll take your hand.

When it gets cold,
and feels like the end.
There's not place to go,
you know I won't give in.
No I won't give in.

Keep Holding On.
Cause you know we'll make it through,
we'll make it through.
Just stay strong.
Cause you know I'm here for you,
I'm here for you.

There's nothing you can say,
nothing you can do.
There's no other way when it
comes to the truth, so.

Keep Holding On
Cause you know we'll make it through,
we'll make it through.

So far away,
I wish you were here.
Before it's too late this could
all disappear.

Before the doors close,
it comes to an end.
With you by my side I will fight and defend,
I'll fight and defend.

Keep Holding On.
Cause you know we'll make it through,
we'll make it through.
Just Stay Strong.
Cause you know I'm here for you,
I'm here for you.

There's nothing you can say,
nothing you can do.
There's no other way when it
comes to the truth, so.

Keep Holding On.
Cause you know we'll make it through,
we'll make it through.

Hear me when I say,
when I say I believe.
Nothing's gonna change,
nothing's gonna change destiny.
Whatever's meant to be,
will work out perfectly.

Keep Holding On.
Cause you know we'll make it through,
we'll make it through.
Just Stay Strong.
Cause you know I"m here for you,
I'm here for you.

There's nothing you can say,
nothing you can do.
There's no other way when it
comes to the truth, so.

Keep Holding On.
Cause you know we'll make it through,
we'll make it through.

Keep Holding On.
Keep Holding On.

There's nothing you can,
nothing y ou can do.
There's no other way when it
comes to the truth, so.

Keep Holding On.
Cause you know we'll make it through,
we'll make it through.

Here I Am

Here I Am

Here I am,

ready to help.

You've expressed that you need me,

I've even noticed that sad look on your face.

So let me get this right;

I'm your best friend?

Wow...that's amazing!

You'll be my new best friend too.

Our lives have been struggles from the beginning.

I know because we talk about it for hours,

and yet, you still seem distant,

but you assure that it's not that, just stress.

Ok, so stress,

that's what I'm good at.

No one knows stress like I do,

so such a perfect person to help you with yours.

The breakup approaches and you seek me out,

I tell you to communicate,

talk it all through,

and I think that maybe it'll all work.

The breakup happens,

and I'm still here,

we meet in the morning,

and we talk it all through.

Things go back to normal,

for you atleast.

Guess whose life I get to pick up the pieces for next?

My own.

We grow more distant,

I go to check on you,

and you tell me to give you a few,

so I wait.

Wait?

A few what?

I thought you said seconds,

now you need days?

As I sit back to wait,

watching from a far,

I know I can't do this,

but yet, here I am still.

I haven't written poetry in ages.

Management

I realized I didn't really answer my statement in the last blog.

I think I'm able to manage things because of all the tragedies I've been through. "They aren't tragedies," you might say, but they are to me. Cody Flowers is dead. Suicide. How? What would change if it was someone else? You know, sometimes I don't want to handle it. I don't want to be able to deal with your problems. Sometimes I want someone who is there for me; truthfully and honestly there for me. And who shows it with actions, not just words. You're supposed to be my best friend, and yet we don't even know each other. Don't tell me a promise you can't keep your word on.

I'm just going to try something new with my life. Maybe I'll just stop all forms of communication, drop out of school, and be a bum the rest of my life. Nothing just sounds right anymore.

Goodnight,

Betrayed

Whaddayado? Life has it's struggles and...well...(for me) STRUGGLES! You know, I used to be able to never find a dull moment in my life...for about two days. Now, everything just drives me nuts; aggravates me. Trying to find the people to trust, the time to relax, the ability to have fun; WHY ARE THEY HARD TO DO? I haven't had a free weekend for two months. I haven't gotten over 7 hours of sleep in a night, not because I don't go to sleep late, but because I can't fall asleep. I can't find the peace of mind to just relax and go into a somber state.

I was recently asked how I managed it all: helping others with their problems, keeping myself calm (or so it seems; I must be a good actor), keeping up with my grades in school, staying happy...nothing works for me anymore. And I still can't figure out why.

Regards,

Forgiveness

It's nice asking for forgiveness, but more importantly, it feels so freaking amazing to forgive people. Have you ever let go of a grudge or a harsh feeling towards someone? Or just let some form of anger go? Then you know how I feel. I've realized that it's my senior year, and I don't need to leave that kind of tension between people since I'll be gone in less than a year. The best gift you can give to yourself is peace. A white flag on occasion will not necessarily say you give in, or can never stick to what you stand for, but simply say, "hello, world. I'm not the asshole they think I am."

"Everything" by Lifehouse

No words to describe this.

As I wait for the camp A/V computer to update, I keep thinking about stuff. I wonder if what I make my life out to be is real. I wonder if it's really as hard as it seems, or if I'm making it that way. I know my father was stupid, and he just left out of the blue, but the rest of it: anger, losing friends, unable to think positively, etc; is that real? Is there legitimate cause for it all? It's just a question that goes through my mind everyday. I don't want an answer from anyone. This time, I have to find out the answers on my own.

All my love,

Yet, again.

Another best friend has come and gone. God, how good that feels, you know? I'm really disappointed in all my friends from Boonville this summer. Sure, some of you are talking to me, and others are just super busy. But my best friends, who live on the east and west side of Evansville, and my good friend, Selina. They live in EVANSVILLE. And they have the decency to talk to me. It just proves to myself that I really don't have very many friends who care. Thanks guys. You really know how to keep a person happy.

Anyway, I'm pretty much just don't have a summer right now, with summer school for Government and Econ, work between that and then summer musical rehearsal. Which for this next week will run until 9 p.m., the rest of this month and next it varies from 10, 11 and 12 p.m. No sleep? I believe so.

Everything just makes me know less and less about my life everyday. I don't know who to trust, which promises to believe, or what to turn to on this earth. God is my rock and armor, I just need some friends to keep my heart occupied.

With regrets.... I mean regards,

Promises, promises.

Promises are something not meant to be broken, yet people do it every second of every day. Why is this? Is it because the fact that people are destined to be liars and cheaters, to be unfaithful, to be backstabbers? Why on Earth would someone hurt a person most dear to them behind that person's back? Love isn't an emotion that can be toyed with. It has too many other emotions connected with it, and you can't get around them. Cheating on a boyfriend/girlfriend is something that won't go away. Ever. Nothing will ever change that, no matter how small the offense may be.

The person that may have broken the promise loves you very much, no matter how you may feel. He may also have the greatest friend in your boyfriend/girlfriend. He has watched this relationship carry on throughout the year, and has watched the pains, turmoils, trials, and triumphs. But he has never seen this before.

I know you'll never forgive me fully, but I know that what I did isn't really forgivable. But what may come out of this is something that may be the greatest thing of all: your relationship being fully grounded on trust, and secrets won't need to be kept. Keep in mind that even though you feel betrayed and broken, people still love you.

All my love,

Some Realizations

Goodness life throws many obstacles at you these days. It's starting to get a little ridiculous, but I have to stand my ground here and not lower myself to any particular level. Let me make some points.

In the past few months, Sam:

• has been called selfish and inconsiderate;
• has been unable to keep a secret;
• has been called immature and childish;
• has been a bad friend;
• has been called a NAZI?;
• made other people jealous;
• liked to make people cry;
• has been a shoulder to cry on (for the people I haven't made cry);
• has listened;
• has observed;
• has noticed a certain laxity on your part (tehe);
• has worked;
• has lost friends;
• has been used;
• has been argued with;
• has been talked about behind his back;
• has won two Academy Awards (which contrary to popular belief [and unlike some], I actually earned);
• has thought about college;
• has wanted to punch things, many things;
• has taken 10 deep breaths;
• has not said things to you;
• tried to change for people (bad idea);
• has been walked over;
• has made the best of friends anyway;
  
• has made a pact;
• hasn't thought through how he's going to handle the Graduation of 2010;
  
• has felt perfectly fine with the way things are panning out in this situation;

and most importantly;

• has not cared about what people think, because I am my own person, and I believe what I feel is right. No matter what anyone says or does to me, I will smile, say a little pray to ask God to save them from the people they are, and go on with my life, wishing them perfect happiness in the lack of friends they may get after me. :D
  

God how good it feels to say that.

All my love,


PS, Kelli Smith and Dustin Schroeder, no matter how much you may think all this goes to you, it doesn't. I wish you only the best in all your daily adventures together, and even though you may not see the need, I forgive you. AND I don't care how much of a bigamist that makes me sound, because I stood up for me. (Note how I actually used your names to prevent guessing and talk. It's a great thing to stop.)

EASTER

EASTER is here!

Let's celebrate God's ascension into heaven TOGETHER!

IJCL Presidency 2009-2010

Let me just tell you how nervous I am about next year. Haha. Things are going to be so crazy, but I'm ready for them.

Anyway,
on March 14, I was the first student from Boonville elected as IJCL (Indiana Junior Classical League) President. It was absolutely astonishing! My term starts June 1st of this year, which is also the first day of summer school AND the summer musical! WOW!

I get to go to Nationals and represent Boonville AND Indiana. Which is pretty breath-taking! I'm ready for it!

Marley & Me

I'm an animal lover.
Marley & Me is a great movie.
It's just not what I expected.
You should watch it sometime.
It's puts a whole new spin on dogs.
Especially Labradors,
which is what my grandparent's have.
And she's almost 12.
:/

All my love,

Remember Me.
Mark Shultz

Remember Me.
In a Bible cracked and faded by the wind.
Remember Me.
In a sanctuary filled with silent prayer.

And age to age,
and heart to heart.
Bound by grace and peace.
Child of wonder,
Child of God.
I've remembered you,
remember Me.

Remember Me.
When the color of a sunset fills the sky.
Remember Me.
When you pray and tears of joy fall from your eyes.

And age to age,
and heart to heart.
Bound by grace and peace.
Child of wonder,
Child of God.
I've remembered you,
remember Me.

Remember Me.
When the children leave their Sunday school with smiles.
Remember Me.
When they're old enough to teach,
old enough to preach,
old enough to leave.

And age to age,
and heart to heart.
Bound by grace and peace.
Child of wonder,
Child of God.
I've remembered you,
Remember Me.

Age to age,
and heart to heart.
Child of Wonder,
Child of God.

Remember Me.

Age to age,
and heart to heart.
Child of Wonder,
Child of God.



What Jesus must have been thinking when he went through all the pain and suffering for us. It makes me think twice sometimes about my own life. What if I had to carry all he had? Would I love everyone on the earth as much as he or his father did? What makes me think I'm even worthy enough of that gift? Think twice about the love of friend's that you have? You like that feeling right? Would you like to lose that on the drop of a hat?

You have my love,
and God's,

Happy Easter!

I like my computer

Because I can do signatures like this one!

I'm using it from now on!

Yelling

You know, being a person who likes things done correctly and really doesn't like slackers or people who horse around, I typically do get angry and yell at people. I try to apologize depending on who the person is.

Here are the day's events:
Today, school was decent. I got my math test back and turns out I epically fail at that now too. It's only a B, but I don't like B's. I need A's. I'll get over it I guess.
I did alright in Latin, in Yearbook we did nothing and in History, I took a test which I felt really comfortable about and then slept. Yippee.

Then I came to drama, where the band directors like to be dictators and yelled at me for following directions when I put up a microphone. I wanted to yell back and be like, "Who the hell do you think you are? You barely get yourselves together and you expect everyone to bow down at your feet. We work together, so start doing it." But of course it wouldn't have been taken lightly, so I just shut up and walked away.

Then NO ONE said bye to me except for Judy, and that was because I went down to her room.

Blah, it's just one of those days where you want to curl up in a ball and die.

Thanks for listening.

Chrysalis

The most amazing thing you'll ever experience with God by your side.

More to come later.

Drama

is STRESSFUL. I'll explain more when I'm not tired.

Best Friend

So, I have a best friend.

Her name is Kelli Smith.

We: eat together; make jokes; laugh (a lot); cry; scream; beat up small kids (aka Dusty); dream big; take pictures; love Dexter; have hopes; enjoy McDonald's; listen to words of wisdom from Momma T; play The Game of Life; stay up late; make fun of ourselves (and each other); get angry; get sleepy; enjoy old hippies; blog; etc.

I think we're pretty much made for each other.

Update 4/5/09
go to Beatles tribute concerts; make cupcakes; make fun of people in office depot; give Dusty laughing orgasms; IM each other in the wee hours of the morning; enjoy Kanye; and Mitchell Davis; wear Converses to the prom; talk about dragon pee; make fun of Brandan; attack Brent; prank Brent with shaving cream; etc.

Goodness

You know, so many things happen in high school, it is impossible for one's mind to come up with the words to explain. I have had many changes occur in these last few months, from having the best of times with friends, to losing friends, to having so much stress, to coming to the realization I'm probably going to lose my job, to school decisions, to finding the best of friends.

HAPPINESS
I get told by different people every once in a while to cheer up and be happy, because my life really can't be that bad. Let me just share a little bit of information with you. You live your own life very well. In fact, you live it so well, that people don't even know what goes on in your life, no matter how hard they try. You can't possibly understand someone else's hardships or rough times. Don't expect people to be happy all the time. It just doesn't work that way.

CHANGE
Change is something to get used to. Friends transition out of your life quicker than you can blink an eye. Depending on how fast it may be, you can go through grieving pains for those people, like the loss of a loved one. I experienced that. I had those occurences. Now that I've moved on from the situation and placed it on a shelf in a box, I can finally tell it wasn't worth it. I CAN TELL IT. I don't need people telling me everyday it's a bad mistake. Sometimes, people just change; other times, people are never who you think they are. Finding your true friends is always the hardest part.

LOVE
My father was and always will be a douche. I have never had someone to fill that, until now. I went on a weekend retreat in the beginning of March. It was AMAZING. I found a spiritual mentor, someone who loves me FOR me. You have no idea that kind of feeling you have from going to where it feels like no one loves you to having so much love your drowning in it. My friends whom I have shown love to in the past have suddenly started to love me back. Sure, it's now a smaller group, but I didn't really mind weeding out the rest. It's something you have to be prepared to do in life.

Damn Yankees

As the days go by, I count my blessings. One of my many blessings in the chance to be a technical director for the high school. It's a great way to get experience for what I want to do in my life. I really love this kind of stuff.
Even though the first week and half was stressful, the musical this year, Damn Yankees, is without a doubt going to be a lot of fun. As I continuously listen to the soundtrack and watch the dances, my heart grows more fond of it each day. I just hope that we all can get a long until the very end.
Let's see how this season goes!

The Love Circle

The Love Circle is our group for just getting things off our chest. I've become really close to all of them, and closer to the members I was already close to. I'm glad we all get along well and can fix any problem we pretty much encounter.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!
THANKS FOR BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER!

A New Year: A New Beginning

Well, what can I say, other than the fact that I'm sorry I haven't written at all in the past few months? Life has been busy off and on, and when I'm not busy, I'm down-right lazy. I guess that's a New Year's resolution I need to fix.
But with the start of a new year, I have a new beginning. I started counseling I believe back in October. I had sessions off and on for a few months, mainly because I wanted help with rage and anger. Thank the Lord, because I do think that it paid off. I find myself more relaxed from time to time, but really tense toward people that don't treat me the way I should be treated, and walk all over me instead. I dedicate my life more things and people than I should, and I don't appreciate getting used. That's all I'm going to say towards that situation.
Needless to say, I like the way I feel; and all my friends and family who have been supportive, it sure has been worth the wait.