Change

Change is what happens when you need something new.
Change happens when you least expect it sometimes.
Change is all things that are modern.
Change is a new perspective on life.
Change is finding that one person who's there when you couldn't find them before.
Change is smiling.
Change is staying positive.
Change is dealing with the disappointments that make you stronger.
Change is a sunrise, and ultimately, the sunset.
Change is nature's beauty between seasons, and during.
Change is what you feel as you move from high school to college.
Change is finding that one song that reminds you about your life.
Change is becoming and adult.
Change is ultimately growing up, not down.
Change is maturity.
Change is decisiveness.
Change is how you plan to make something happen, not let it happen just on its own.
Change is sometimes unwanted.

I am change.

Autumn

Have you ever just stared out a window for the longest time and thought about nothing in particular? Or maybe you're like me, and have so many things flying through your brain you can't decipher what image goes with what thought, or which way is up or down. I can't get over God's beauty in the fall, with all the leaves changing colors from their regular greens to gorgeous reds, oranges and yellows. It makes me wonder if people normally go through cycles...you know the ones where they're really good, genorous people for a few months, then they get gorgeous and you can't stop looking at them, then they turn cold and barren. I think I've been stuck in this cold and barren state for a few years now, and I finally think the sun's going to come out to warm me up and let me grown some foilage again...but what do you know if a big storm cloud doesn't come to create havoc. My life is getting old right now. I'm tired of helping people through their problems with nothing in return. I'm just tired of everything. Maybe one day it'll all shapen up, but until then, I'll just be here in my spot by the window. Please, don't come in search of me...I'm still trying to find myself.

Keep Holding On

Keep Holding On

You're not alone,
Together we stand.
I'll be by your side,
I'll take your hand.

When it gets cold,
and feels like the end.
There's not place to go,
you know I won't give in.
No I won't give in.

Keep Holding On.
Cause you know we'll make it through,
we'll make it through.
Just stay strong.
Cause you know I'm here for you,
I'm here for you.

There's nothing you can say,
nothing you can do.
There's no other way when it
comes to the truth, so.

Keep Holding On
Cause you know we'll make it through,
we'll make it through.

So far away,
I wish you were here.
Before it's too late this could
all disappear.

Before the doors close,
it comes to an end.
With you by my side I will fight and defend,
I'll fight and defend.

Keep Holding On.
Cause you know we'll make it through,
we'll make it through.
Just Stay Strong.
Cause you know I'm here for you,
I'm here for you.

There's nothing you can say,
nothing you can do.
There's no other way when it
comes to the truth, so.

Keep Holding On.
Cause you know we'll make it through,
we'll make it through.

Hear me when I say,
when I say I believe.
Nothing's gonna change,
nothing's gonna change destiny.
Whatever's meant to be,
will work out perfectly.

Keep Holding On.
Cause you know we'll make it through,
we'll make it through.
Just Stay Strong.
Cause you know I"m here for you,
I'm here for you.

There's nothing you can say,
nothing you can do.
There's no other way when it
comes to the truth, so.

Keep Holding On.
Cause you know we'll make it through,
we'll make it through.

Keep Holding On.
Keep Holding On.

There's nothing you can,
nothing y ou can do.
There's no other way when it
comes to the truth, so.

Keep Holding On.
Cause you know we'll make it through,
we'll make it through.

Here I Am

Here I Am

Here I am,

ready to help.

You've expressed that you need me,

I've even noticed that sad look on your face.

So let me get this right;

I'm your best friend?

Wow...that's amazing!

You'll be my new best friend too.

Our lives have been struggles from the beginning.

I know because we talk about it for hours,

and yet, you still seem distant,

but you assure that it's not that, just stress.

Ok, so stress,

that's what I'm good at.

No one knows stress like I do,

so such a perfect person to help you with yours.

The breakup approaches and you seek me out,

I tell you to communicate,

talk it all through,

and I think that maybe it'll all work.

The breakup happens,

and I'm still here,

we meet in the morning,

and we talk it all through.

Things go back to normal,

for you atleast.

Guess whose life I get to pick up the pieces for next?

My own.

We grow more distant,

I go to check on you,

and you tell me to give you a few,

so I wait.

Wait?

A few what?

I thought you said seconds,

now you need days?

As I sit back to wait,

watching from a far,

I know I can't do this,

but yet, here I am still.

I haven't written poetry in ages.

Management

I realized I didn't really answer my statement in the last blog.

I think I'm able to manage things because of all the tragedies I've been through. "They aren't tragedies," you might say, but they are to me. Cody Flowers is dead. Suicide. How? What would change if it was someone else? You know, sometimes I don't want to handle it. I don't want to be able to deal with your problems. Sometimes I want someone who is there for me; truthfully and honestly there for me. And who shows it with actions, not just words. You're supposed to be my best friend, and yet we don't even know each other. Don't tell me a promise you can't keep your word on.

I'm just going to try something new with my life. Maybe I'll just stop all forms of communication, drop out of school, and be a bum the rest of my life. Nothing just sounds right anymore.

Goodnight,

Betrayed

Whaddayado? Life has it's struggles and...well...(for me) STRUGGLES! You know, I used to be able to never find a dull moment in my life...for about two days. Now, everything just drives me nuts; aggravates me. Trying to find the people to trust, the time to relax, the ability to have fun; WHY ARE THEY HARD TO DO? I haven't had a free weekend for two months. I haven't gotten over 7 hours of sleep in a night, not because I don't go to sleep late, but because I can't fall asleep. I can't find the peace of mind to just relax and go into a somber state.

I was recently asked how I managed it all: helping others with their problems, keeping myself calm (or so it seems; I must be a good actor), keeping up with my grades in school, staying happy...nothing works for me anymore. And I still can't figure out why.

Regards,

Forgiveness

It's nice asking for forgiveness, but more importantly, it feels so freaking amazing to forgive people. Have you ever let go of a grudge or a harsh feeling towards someone? Or just let some form of anger go? Then you know how I feel. I've realized that it's my senior year, and I don't need to leave that kind of tension between people since I'll be gone in less than a year. The best gift you can give to yourself is peace. A white flag on occasion will not necessarily say you give in, or can never stick to what you stand for, but simply say, "hello, world. I'm not the asshole they think I am."

"Everything" by Lifehouse

No words to describe this.

As I wait for the camp A/V computer to update, I keep thinking about stuff. I wonder if what I make my life out to be is real. I wonder if it's really as hard as it seems, or if I'm making it that way. I know my father was stupid, and he just left out of the blue, but the rest of it: anger, losing friends, unable to think positively, etc; is that real? Is there legitimate cause for it all? It's just a question that goes through my mind everyday. I don't want an answer from anyone. This time, I have to find out the answers on my own.

All my love,

Yet, again.

Another best friend has come and gone. God, how good that feels, you know? I'm really disappointed in all my friends from Boonville this summer. Sure, some of you are talking to me, and others are just super busy. But my best friends, who live on the east and west side of Evansville, and my good friend, Selina. They live in EVANSVILLE. And they have the decency to talk to me. It just proves to myself that I really don't have very many friends who care. Thanks guys. You really know how to keep a person happy.

Anyway, I'm pretty much just don't have a summer right now, with summer school for Government and Econ, work between that and then summer musical rehearsal. Which for this next week will run until 9 p.m., the rest of this month and next it varies from 10, 11 and 12 p.m. No sleep? I believe so.

Everything just makes me know less and less about my life everyday. I don't know who to trust, which promises to believe, or what to turn to on this earth. God is my rock and armor, I just need some friends to keep my heart occupied.

With regrets.... I mean regards,